It's a Tuesday and I'll Cry if I Want to...

...Cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry to some one gave you the green cup too! So when we talk about toddlers we have to remember that this age group is from 10-ish months trough 36-ish months, smack dab in the middle is the two year old. That two year old year is incredibly dynamic and full of amazing growth, and in order to address it at it's best we're going to break it down into the first half and second half of the year. In this post let's look at 2 to 2 1/2 also known as young two's, twaddlers (not my fav), and 24 to 20 months old. 

Why in the world does this crew cry so much about everything? It all circles back to that rapid language development we spoke about in the last post. These guys have so much receptive language in their brains and they communicate very rapidly to those around them, their biggest struggle is, those around them only understand about a quarter to a third of what comes out of their sweet little mouths. This equals a great deal of frustrations which equals crying.

Another reason for the never ending water works is the sudden realization that they are in fact not an extension of their caregivers, but their very own little person, a process known as autonomy. They spend a large amount of time trying to figure out how that works, and for the often frustrated parent and caregiver it is power struggles over cup colors, toilet training, whether or not to wear socks, and any other little thing the child has discovered they suddenly have control over. No is a very powerful word and often results in tears (sometimes for the caregiver as well!). 

One of my favorite reasons and the one I enjoy helping these little people with is emotional growth, these guys have only been on this planet for two trips around the sun and they are experiencing all of the big amazing emotions the human brain is capable of for the first times. They have no idea what to do with the bubbling up of joy that happens when they see a kitten for the first time, so they cry great big tears of giggly happy joy and it is so precious. They have just had their most favorite truck ripped from their hands by some other kid on the playground and the heart pounding, cheek flushing, chest heaving anger is so overwhelming that they cry, sometimes they follow those tears with hitting, pushing, and biting, but mostly they cry. Mommy just brought them to school on Monday, and they were pretty sure that today was the day they were staying home, because they were home the last two days, and the sadness of Mommy leaving again is beyond them, so they cry.

So how do we help them? What can we possibly do to perhaps dry a few less tears or prevent them from happening all together?

When it comes to language development the best thing you can do for a frustrated two year old who is trying desperately to communicate with you is to slow them down. If you've deciphered a word or two try asking questions based on those words, but the biggest key is for you to remain calm. A communication scenario might go something like "I heard bucket and train. Would you like to take the bucket over to play with the trains?" It is possible that you heard completely wrong, but it is a place to start and it lets them know you are listening and trying. It is a great deal more calming and empowering than "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand."  You can also ask the child to show you, if you have exhausted your ability to try and decipher their words, ask them to show you what they need. We are at this stage really trying to get them to talk and communicate more, but sometimes we just need to revert back to pointing at what they want.

I think Autonomy might be the biggest set of questions I get from parents and teachers of two's. Why does my child do this incredibly frustrating thing arrrgghh?!??!!! I always smile and say, because they have figured out they are their own person, so awesome, right? My advice is always the same as well and I'll share it with you here teacher friends. Choices. Children as young as two are capable of making good empowering choices and they know when you are giving them a choice that isn't really a choice at all. Something I like to make clear to parents is that giving a child choices in things is not negotiating with them, it is not giving over your authority and it is not putting them in charge of everything that happens in your home or in our cases our classrooms. When you give children choices about the things that are happening in their lives, they are better able to problem solve, decision make, mediate, negotiate, control their reactions, and delay gratification later on in life. (Conscious Discipline)

The next question I get is, how do I give them choices that are real and empowering, and also that I can live with? It's not as difficult as it seems. When you take each circumstance in the day, if there is an opportunity to allow the child to decide what will happen, let them. Here is the trick, only give two options. Ever. These littles are not ready for more than that, and you will defeat your purpose if you overwhelm them with more than two. Let's take a very common power struggle for twos, clothing, you and I both know they must wear clothing. That is the ground rule, tell them the ground rule. "You must wear clothing." Next give them options, "It's going to be chilly today, you can wear jeans or leggings." She has picked leggings. "Great! Blue or Flowers?" She picks flowers, and you help her get them on her body. "There are two shirts that go with the flower leggings that will be warm enough for today. Do you want pink or green?" She picks green, you put that over her head, or if she is capable let her do it herself. "Awesome! At school you must wear sturdy shoes, since it is cold today your sturdy shoe choices are light up Elsa or brown boots." Sturdy shoes at school is the ground rule, no choice there, but then offer up the choice she does have. This is usually the point where no shoes want to be worn, then you make a choice for her, and put the shoes in her backpack.

A common two's power struggle in the classroom is always picking the color of the thing. It doesn't seem to matter what the thing is or why it has a color, they just want to pick the color. My solution for that is again give two choices when you can. Do you have a line up rope with multiple colors? Let your power-strugglers pick from two colors instead of the entire rope. Do you have colorful sippy cups at lunch time? Let them choose from only two colors, not the entire tray. It is best in those situations to have the same color for everyone, but that is not always possible nor is it feasible, it is however feasible to ask for one extra sippy cup than kids from the kitchen so that everyone can have a choice.

Autonomy is a difficult part of the toddler and preschool years and it isn't always solved by choice giving, but when we give children the opportunity to make choices with in the parameters of what must be done, the blocks must be cleaned up would you like help or would you like to do it yourself, they have the opportunity to figure out how they want to solve the problem. Do they want to clean those blocks up "all by myself," or would they like help? Which way is faster? Which way gets me what I want most, which is to move on to the next activity? When we do this for them, it not only sets them up with all that cool stuff from earlier, but it tells them that we value their ability to make choices and that their opinions matter. If a child consistently chooses blue things and other children don't care about blue things, do you as a teacher then make sure there is always something blue as one of their choices? How would you know that about them if you don't let them decide things for themselves?

This post is getting a little long, so I'll say this about how we help these little with emotional development. Give them the words. Tell them about the emotions they are feeling, and then validate those emotions. "Your eyes are big and your breath is fast. You seem scared. It's okay to be scared. Can you tell me what scared you?"

"Your cheeks are red and your breath is big and your heart is fast. You seem angry. It is okay to be angry. Can you tell me why you're angry?"

When a child lashes out with emotion that conversation needs to be "It's okay to be angry. It is not okay to hit our friends when we are angry. Hitting hurts. Can you tell me why you're angry?"

This is such a magical time in a child's life, the world is brand spankin' new and they are tiny little sponges just waiting to soak it all in. It is our job to help them navigate all of that learning in the best possible way.

Happy Teaching,

~Sarah

Sources:
Willis, J., & Mitchell, G. (2014). The Neuroscience of Learning: Principles and Applications for Educators. San Diego, CA: Bridgepoint Education.

https://consciousdiscipline.com/